Monday, March 17, 2008 Behind the song Razor So many people have asked me questions about this song. Is that your arm? Why do you do it? Do you support it? Etc etc etc. No, that’s not my arm on the page. I found it on a website. Just clearing that up. Er, I started when I was 12. There was some shit going on with my family, and some girls I knew got attention from their parents by doing that. I wanted attention too, so I did it but...I got very very negative attention instead. I didn’t think I’d be back at cutting again, but I was. The first time I seriously thought ’ okay I’ll do it once and never again’ and boy, was I wrong. One thing about the "attention" thing...people who cut for attention should not be taken lightly. think about it-if someone would go THAT far to get even the slightest bit of NEGATIVE or whatever type of attention, don’t you think they really NEED IT? They feel invisible, unloved, unseen, and worthless to the point they’re losing their mind. But that’s not the reason I continued doing it. I don’t know if it’s true what they say...that when the body’s hurt the brain releases painkillers or whatever that makes you feel good called endorphins-but it sure feels like it to me. I once heard someone say ’If you’re head is hurting have someone stomp on your foot and it’ll make you forget about the headache". That’s so true. Pain on the outside distracts you from the pain on the inside. It’s really calming-especially those times when you don’t know exactly why you feel the way you do or what’s bothering you. Blood. Ah, blood. call me crazy, but the blood is relaxing to me. Dripping down my body, I feel like my sins are being washed away.When I clean up the blood, it’s like I’m cleaning up everything that’s wrong with my life. Some days, I feel numb. like I’m treading water...not really living. That’s when it’ s great to feel pain-so that I can feel SOMETHING. For once in my life, I’M the one inflicting pain, not someone else. And this time, while everything else in my life is spinning out of my control, when I cut, I’m in perfect control of everything. Other times I just feel guilty. Like I need to be punished. So I punish myself and give me what I deserve. It’s a feeling I can’t describe in logical terms. Just like the stuff everyone else does to make themselves feel better-it’s a personal preference thing. Do I support it? Am I against it? Neither. If you do, that’s cool, if you don’t that’s cool too. I know that today in society it’s seen as ’crazy" and "abnormal"...but that’s the same society that used to believe that the earth was flat. Try and give EVIDENCE that it’s "wrong" or "unhealthy" or "crazy" and don’t say "cause other people think it is". There is no evidence. just because you don’t like it or you’re not used to it doesn’t mean this is wrong. It’s simply a different way of relieving stress-that’s it.